Beautiful Alone

愛 am still here.

shine on in the technosparkle

- Posted in Uncategorized by

I'm not dead, contrary to what some people certainly do wish, I am sure. Just dealing with chronic pain, and with that comes a lack of mental health, and...blah blah blah, second verse, same as the first.

I'm...getting used to it? Knowing when some stuff is too much and when pain is made worse by stress and so on. It still sucks, but it's made a tiny bit better with a couple of lifehacks and all.

Got some acupuncture (virtually wholly painless; pricking my finger while embroidering is literally more painful) and realignment down yesterday. I'm a little sore today, body aches, so far. Not going to jump the gun and say everything's fine now, but hey, I'll take it! I...still have a migraine, though, but I think that's due to the ever-present sinus infection, and I didn't get any stabbity death needles for that, so.

In other news...not much. Been coding away; got a couple of projects beneath my belt. Started listening to the audiobook of Brandon Sanderson's Elantris, quite enjoying that. (Am also listening to the audiobook of The Iron Tower: The Dark Tide by Dennis L. McKiernan, which is...derivative crap, I'll be honest. But I'm enjoying it, and I'm fond of the main character. ...seeing as he's a Frodo expy, that's probably not surprising, though.)

Also started playing PokéFarm Q again! I'm here, if you play too ^^ Soothing my anxiety by organising pixellated monsters into groups. Hey, I ain't lookin' a gift Ponyta in the mouth...

generic background music plays...

- Posted in everyday by

I'm not dead! my surprise. It has been a weird four days filled with pain, migraines, blood, pain, coding-from-bed, pain, chocolate, pain, an Eva rewatch in progress, and...I mentioned pain, right? Because there was pain!

(Free to decent home: chronic pain! Like used! If you enjoy headaches and full-body aches you're not gonna want to let this bargain slip by...)

Finished this, this, and this! All candidates for shrinage because all three are ladies I love. All my fanlistings have a same-ness to them, at least coding-wise, but I think I'm okay with that? As long as mobile users can view them, that's what matters. You can't do as many things on a 360x640 layout as you could on a desktop one, but that doesn't matter, as long as it's readable and elegant. Simple doesn't have to mean dull!

Also giving SeptCity a huge overhaul...still have to tweak a few things here&there, but we're almost all good for launch! Fingers crossed...

not what you'd call wonderful

- Posted in Uncategorized by

[CW: undetailed discussion of menstruation]

I'm having a period for medical reasons (don't even ask) and oh dear god I forgot how horrendously painful this garbage is. Even my teeth hurt. What do my teeth have to do with my uterus? I have literally no idea, but they hurt.

Also, have you noticed that cis males never say period-havers suffer from menstrual cramps? They "complain" about them, but never suffer. Says a lot, I think.

downtown sparkle plaza

- Posted in fandom by

New headcanon: Ikari Shinji would really enjoy synthwave music. Future funk when he's feeling okay, and abandoning himself wholly to dreamwave when things get too much for him.

take a stand and spit a fact

- Posted in mental health by

I am now president of the "instead of saying someone is too cowardly to commit suicide, we'll say someone is too depressed to commit suicide" club, because...bravery or lack of really has nothing at all to do with suicide.

fear beyond telling

- Posted in everyday by

I need to make a new layout for this thing. I need to make a new layout for a lot of things (or just convert them to something more mobile-friendly). I've been approved for four new fanlistings, and just finished converting all my existing fanlistings on Studio Wish from BellaBuffs to Enthusiast3, for the sake of ease of management...also because I want to open a collective for my TAFL-based listings. I mean, why not, right? It's a dead hobby, but I enjoy it.

I am...really tired. But the less said about that the better, I think. Whining won't fix anything...I'm just afraid that nothing will fix anything, because, well. When you've been sick for 15 years you just kinda...get used to it. Thumping headaches every day and full-body pain is not normal, but so many doctors look at you askance if you have chronic pain -- look out, it's a pill chaser. I just want to not be in physical pain anymore. It's exhausting and is eating away at my mental health.

not getting in that damn robot

- Posted in fandom by

Here we are, and here's to better beginnings.

I did my usual half-decade-ly watch of End of Evangelion and I know two things for sure:

1) that was not a good thing to partake in while brain is in a bad place,

2) I still have so many thoughts about, feelings regarding, and far too much empathy for Ikari Shinji. I still see far too much of myself in him -- or myself at this particular moment in my life, at least. I always thought that, as an adult, I became quite Misato-esque, and...I mean, look at my neuroses, I did, but me at 14 was just a female version of Shinji. So very, very much. To the point where I would get to the end of some episodes and think "how can someone get inside my mind like that?" (and because of schizophrenic thought patterns, may have actually written a diary entry consisting of mildly mad rambling questioning how someone could "do that to me"...I literally felt like someone was looking right into my soul and then throwing it onto my TV screen and the whole world could see it.)

Another thing I know is that my kneejerk reaction to people complaining that Shinji is "whiny" or "weak" or the usual is to disregard pretty much everything they have to say about anything :D

Another gripe I have, Evangelion-wise: people who describe Misato as "a genuinely horrible person". Did...did we watch the same show? She is a genuinely and deeply flawed person, oh hell yes, but her intentions are good, and her protective feelings and motherly love towards Shinji is absolutely, 100% genuine. You don't let yourself get blown up for someone you're just using as an emotional security blanket.

She's not a perfect person by any stretch of the imagination, but trust me, Misato is one of the good ones. And good people can do shitty and stupid things. What is WITH this fandom and black and white thinking?